The Waiting Place

Today I have decided to rant about my eyes. They have been rebelling since last week and what I mean by this is that I kind of look like someone who's just had grapefruit juice thrown at their face. Ouch right? Well this is what it feels like too. Almost ALL THE TIME. I'm not sure if this is a sign that my treatment is not working, or maybe if it's just not working yet. I will have to ask my doctor about this at my next appointment and I guess switch to a different medicine if I need to.

Normally, I try to be positive about this and think, “well, at least I'm not dead, at least I'm not blind, at least I have all my limbs, etc.” But today I don't feel like being positive because I'm just downright annoyed. I miss having normal eyes that can see properly. I miss being able to read and type without having to strain and squint and look super awkward as I shove my face right on top of whatever I am trying to work on. But most of all, I miss being able to keep my eyes open. Honestly, no one ever thinks about how amazing it is that your eyes can self-lubricate so that you can walk around with the really delicate membrane exposed to all the world... but trust me, it's a miracle. My eyes are exceptionally dry at the moment, and though I try to solve this by using eye drops about every ten minutes, my eyes are also so inflamed that anything I add to them in an attempt to alleviate the dryness also irritates the crap out of them. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation.

As unpleasant as it is to be in pain, I think the real reason behind my foul mood is that I sometimes get tired of making plans and having them ruined because I am sick. For instance, my health problems have kept me delaying my plans for med school since, well 2007 really. It's 2011 now. That's three years I've lost. I guess it's not good to think about how behind on your life plans you're getting but sometimes I just can't help it. Normally, I try to cheer myself up by thinking “well, it's not your fault that you got sick,” but today, that doesn't really make me feel any better. I hate feeling like a bum and even more, I hate thinking that other people might look at me and think I'm just a lazy person that might just not have what it takes to be a doctor. 

I don't know if any of you have ever read “Oh the Places You'll Go!” by Dr. Seuss, but in the book, he describes a place called “The Waiting Place.” You can read the text of the book here (it's short, and I recommend it): http://www.teamhope.com/seuss.htm, but here is an excerpt:

The Waiting Place... for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. (Seuss, 1990).

I feel like I'm in the waiting place. Dr. Seuss forgot to include a line about the people who are waiting for their immune systems to stop attacking them so they can go back to driving and working and school... but it's ok Dr. Seuss. I still like you.

I hope that like Dr. Seuss says, “somehow [I'll] escape all that waiting and staying.” Here's to tomorrow and not giving up!

This post is dedicated to the magic of hair salons. I decided to get a long over-due haircut (2 years since my last one!) after writing this post and felt instantly better about everything. Do they infuse happiness into their fancy shampoos? My eyes might be hurting, but at least my hair looks pretty!