The No Makeup Day

Have you ever read Psychology Today? I can remember the very first time I picked up a copy of the magazine.... It was in a Barnes and Noble and I thought it looked scientific and therefore possibly interesting. Instead, I found a multitude of articles that seemed designed to make you feel bad about yourself, including one on attractiveness - expounding on the idea that the more symmetrical you are, the more attractive you are.

I used to think about that study constantly because a few years ago, I had an eye surgery that was done poorly. (So poorly, in fact, that it didn't even solve the original problem.) It left me with a mild incomplete blink - meaning I can't shut my eye quite all the way anymore, and essentially no eyelashes on the upper lid. Neither were risks that I'd been warned about.

I waited for months for my lashes to grow back and for my eyelid to "drop down" completely, like Dr. Anna Rothstein, the doctor who did my procedure, promised. But neither happened. Suffice it to say that it was quite upsetting and that I learned the hard way to choose my surgeons more carefully.

And so began my life as a girl with an asymmetric face.

Perhaps if I'd hadn't read that article, or never seen a cosmetics ad featuring models with perfect lashes framing perfectly symmetric eyes, I wouldn't have felt so badly. But whatever the cause, I never felt the same after that and so I went from being the girl that wore makeup for fun, to the girl who wore makeup because she "had to." Every morning I would put fake lashes on one eye, and then eyeliner on both. Then I would stand back and hope that my eyes looked even enough for no one else to notice the differences.

I got sick of this routine quickly though. I missed going out without makeup on, but without it I felt so self-conscious that I literally wasn't able to look people in the eye. I found myself trying to turn slightly to the side, so that people couldn't see my eyes straight on. I decided it was worth it to spend the fifteen to twenty minutes each morning putting eye makeup on, so that I didn't have to feel so awkward. It's pretty terrible, feeling ugly all the time, and unfortunately, I think that this is something that many people with chronic illnesses have to deal with.

Anyway, last week I had a mini-breakthrough: I skipped my makeup for an entire day. All in all, it wasn't so bad. If anyone noticed my uneven eyes (which they probably did) at least they didn't act differently or oddly, which was pretty much my greatest fear. I think it's difficult to admit that you have a disfigurement, and even more difficult to show it. So I'm a bit proud of myself for being able to do that; I often don't feel very brave.

I think what precipitated this change was mainly that I was:

1. Exhausted - now that my inflammation is more under control, I've resumed my medical school plans and I'd been studying the night before. 
2. Not looking forward to a day spent pouring eye drops into my eyes and worrying about keeping fake lashes glued onto one lid at the same time. Trust me, this is quite an exhausting balancing act. Especially when you're putting in drops every few minutes, as I do. 

Ok, so maybe it wasn't really bravery that got me to do this... But hey! Progress nonetheless!

I still miss my "pre-surgery" eye, and hopefully one day I'll be able to fix the damage done, but until then I guess it's not the worst thing in the world to be a little asymmetrical. We all get a little down on how we look sometimes, so I just wanted to remind you all to focus on what you have, rather than what you don't. I certainly wish I had appreciated my eyes a little more before all of this.

For the imperfect.